Ok…..here we go. I’m going to call my version “What You Never Ever Expected to Expect When You’re Expecting”. This is Volume 1. So you’ve decided to have a baby. Or, maybe you weren’t planning on having a baby, at all. In which case, we could call your version “I Never Expected To Be Expecting”. Either way, you did something that is really fun for a little bit with someone that you love, or someone that you like, or maybe it was someone you didn’t even know, after a Willie Nelson concert…..doesn’t matter. The result is the same. In about 280 days, you’re going to have another mouth on the feed bill. Once the shock wears off, and it may take a while, then the reality really starts to set in. HOLY CRAP. This isn’t like a dog, a horse, or a car. If you don’t like it, you can’t just sell it or take it back or trade it off or even give it away. Nope. This is the real deal.
For better or worse, your life will never be the same again. Hopefully, for everyone involved, you and your baby mama are married or in a relationship. If you two are from the “Willie Nelson” scenario, you should really probably get to know one another. Although, for the dude, you’re probably going to have to get to know her all over again in about 10 months, because right now, she’s got some serious chemicals coursing through her body that don’t exactly make her the most logical or reasonable chick on the planet. And to make matters even worse, depending on how early it is in her pregnancy, you may not even know she has a good reason to act that way yet. You may just think that she’s lost her ever lovin’ mind. Actually, you may think that anyways. She may have lost her sense of reason, but you’ll likely still have yours. And a good sense of reason tells you that you shouldn’t start crying because you can’t find the car keys.
Really, at this point, there are only two things that are definitely going to stick out at you that are different now that she’s in the family way…..demonic mood swings (ok, demonic is maybe too strong a term) and being forever tired. Like, she’s going to be so tired that you wonder if she’s actually going to make it through the day. At first, I’ll admit, I thought “what in the bloody hell is going on”!?! She could SLEEP. I mean, like a hibernating bear. She slept, like in a coma, all the way from Oklahoma City to Tyler TX in the passenger seat of the truck, solid. This was actually the reason she took the pregnancy test……because it’s implausible for someone to be THAT tired. But she was…..and it’s not going away anytime soon.
Nobody told me this was going to happen. No one explained this to me, at all. I always thought the cliché moodiness and emotions were just television fodder. Well boys, let me tell you, they aren’t. She’s probably going to cry. A lot. She’s going to cry about goofy stuff that you aren’t going to understand. She’s going to cry when she’s watching television, or when she’s reading a book. She’s going to cry when she’s looking at her kids, or even someone else’s kids. If she sees an older couple holding hands or if she sees an old man shopping alone at Wal-Mart (ok, I’ll admit, that last one is my soft spot…that always makes me a bit misty). And if you are the slightest bit testy with her….you guessed it….she’s going to cry. So, what I’m trying to say is….whenever the mood strikes her; she’s going to shed some tears. You’ve been warned. Just be ready for it.
You want to know the worst part, at least for me?? You CAN’T fix it. You can’t make her feel any different. Her hormones are wreaking havoc in both of your lives, and it’s completely out of your control. Like most dudes, I’m a fixer…..so when I can’t fix something, it pisses me off. Your best bet is, just let her cry, get her an M&M McFlurry, and pray for the horny stage to get here. And this is just month one, maybe month two. You’ve barely just begun. But if you start feeling really sorry for yourself, just remember, I had to do this TWICE. In a row. Tough it out, you little bee-otch.