Wanted: Poop-free Wienie Dog

As I was feeding Gracee this evening, she decided that before she could fill her belly anymore, she needed to….empty it, first.  I was sitting on the couch.  Emma was being a turd, and as I stood up to go change the diaper, I decided to be funny and put Gracee’s smelly butt on Emma’s head.  Funny, right?  Unless of course, the poop had come out the side of the diaper and was running down her leg.   And now on Emma’s head, I suppose.  Actually, that makes it funnier.  Well, until I realized that I had it on both of my arms.  Quite a lot of it.  On my arms.  And smooshed on her legs.  Then it was way less funny again.



And why was she so freakin’ happy and smiley all the sudden??!  Oh, is this funny, kid? First, you poop in the sink, now you’re just blowing out the diapers while you’re on dads lap??  Oh, and April, I’m THRILLED that you are enjoying this lovely twist of fate.  Yeah, this is hilarious.  I’m carrying Gracee out at arms length as though she has some sort of fungus that hasn’t been identified yet.  First, I lay the giggling culprit on the floor by the bed, before sprinting to the bathroom to wash the godforsaken mess off my arms.  With scalding water, I wash both arms, to the elbow.  I could perform an appendectomy right now, if needed.  I’m clean.  But now the baby, she’s probably going to need ANOTHER bath…. And then what do I come out to find??  My darling bride decided to change the diaper for me, while I was busy cleaning myself.  She’s a keeper, for sure.  She’s all cleaned up, I’m cleaned up, Emma is cleaned up-ish…




But then we hear a ruckus coming from the living room. I hear the words “right on my new wienie dog”!, and then I know what’s happening.  And all this became funny again.  Abby got Emma a stuffed battery powered wienie dog that yaps.  And it was directly underneath Gracee as she ate.  And pooped.  It was a DIRECT hit, and she definitely sank the battleship.  That little yapping wienie dog won’t ever be the same.  He’s been defiled.  Emma made a valiant effort to remove the ungodly stain from his cheap brown fur, but the smart money is that the little wienie dog ain’t going to get played with too much, moving forward.  I didn’t like his yapping, anyways.


Nice work, Gracee…


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