Buckle down, boys….you’ve got a LONG 40 weeks ahead of you. Oooooh……you think you’ve got it bad??? Your wife or Baby Mama, kind of grumpy? Hateful? Tired? Sick? Well, hush up and deal with it. You’re going to live. Unless you eat the last Honey Bun. Then, all bets are off. I survived this ordeal, and so will you. From what I have learned since starting The Daddy Diaries, is that there is always someone out there who has a worse story than you. In the history of man, there have been quite a few pregnancies. So chances are, even though you are feeling pretty overwhelmed at the moment, there’s some other fool out there who has it worse than you do, so chin up.
For April and I, it was much longer than 40 weeks. 12 weeks into our first pregnancy, unfortunately, she had a miscarriage. Of course, we were very sad, but by that time, I had really warmed up to the idea of being a dad….and preferably before I was collecting social security or join AARP. So we started to NOT try to not have a baby again. We DIDN’T try, as often as was humanly possible. And boy, oh boy was it fun! Had I known that not trying to have a baby was so enjoyable, I may have done it long before now. Sorry, I kind of got off track. Lo and behold, on July 23rd we found out that April was knocked up….AGAIN. I’m very proud to announce that I made a baby at the 39th annual Willie Nelson’s 4th of July Picnic. And she turned out to be a redhead (of course we all know now that it turned blonde). Mind. Blown. She WILL be Willie Nelson for Halloween this year.
Anyways, my point is, we had the First Trimester, then a tiny little, very emotional, break. THEN we got the First Trimester AGAIN, and then the rest of the pregnancy, for a grand total of 56 weeks of pregnancy. One year. ONE. WHOLE. FRIGGIN’. YEAR. They say “if you can survive building a house together, you can survive anything”. That’s dumb. If you can survive a year-long pregnancy, you can survive ANYTHING. Unless she became a Boston Red Sox fan….I couldn’t handle that. So, almost anything.
We are undoubtedly closer today than we were before she got pregnant. She’s my best friend, and I have no idea how I went as long as I did without her. That being said, there were days that I wanted to blindfold her and leave her out in the middle of the desert.
Men….making a pregnant woman happy is the most difficult thing you will ever try to do in your life. Keep in mind, it’s NOT HER FAULT, but she’s a LITTLE BIT crazy. Except on the days that she’s a WHOLE LOT crazy. Still. Not her fault. There’s this little tiny creature inside her that’s funking up the works. And you put it there. (She’ll remind you of that often). And YOU don’t have to carry this baby!!! She’ll remind you of that often, as well.
Now, I know that I’ll undoubtedly get some women who will comment in this post, and will talk about how amazing and beautiful pregnancy is. How fun it is and how much they loved it and how they can’t wait to be pregnant again. I’ve heard legend of this strange phenomenon, but have never actually experienced it firsthand. Even April has said that her pregnancy with Emma was awesome. I call BS, but whatevs. So, gentlemen, you may get lucky and it may be the greatest experience of your life. If so, then I’m not talking to you.
I’m talking to the dude who’s probably rubbing his temples right now, in utter exasperation. The guy in the corner who needs to shave. The guy with bloodshot eyes, nearly falling asleep at his desk, because he hasn’t slept this week because his wife cannot get comfortable in bed. The guy standing in line at the convenience store who has made a midnight run to town because she wants Skittles. She NEEDS Skittles. I feel ya, bro. I know where you’re at. I know what you’re going through.
The woman gets the lion’s share of the sympathy when it comes to pregnancy, and of course she should! It’s her body that’s got to go through all these godforsaken changes. It’s her belly, her butt, her feet, her back, her mysterious lady parts, her face, her boobs, her toes, her poop (or lack thereof) and her brain. And you are going to hear about all of it, DAILY. BUT…..this post is for the little man. The underdog. The field goal kicker…. you may not know his name, but he wins you a lot of games. The IT guys….yeah, they are annoying, but man they can sure come in handy, sometimes.
Fellas, just remember this…..it’s worth it. There’ll be days that you might not feel like it, but it IS. I’ll tell you all of the things that I know, from experience, that you shouldn’t do, or say, but you’ll undoubtedly uncover some of your own. Hang in there! At the end of this craziness, a whole other sort of craziness will start. And we’ll talk about that later on. For now, just keep your head down and say “sure baby, no problem.” And go buy some honey buns.