How To Take A Selfie

How a girl posts a new selfie/profile picture:
– Painstakingly does hair as though she’s going to prom and applies makeup. Lots of makeup.
– Takes 57 different selfies, including duck face, pouty lips, crazy cross eyed face, distant far-away look face, tongue sticking out face, sexy biting lip face, grumpy face, and happy face. Some with sunglasses. Some without. Some with glasses on top of head. Some with the earpiece of the glasses in their mouth. All with ample amounts of bountiful cleavage.
– Carefully chooses photo to be used. Edits the crap out of it, removing any possible signs of blemishes of any kind. No wrinkles, no pimples, no red spots. Uses a filter to make them look more tan. Uses app to make eyes fluorescent blue.
– Recreates the same photo listed above, but tugs shirt down just a tad more to show more boobies. Squeezes them together with arms.
– Posts photo, with hashtags #messyhairdontcare, #allnatural, #nofilter, #iwokeuplikedis, #lovemyraybans
– Waits for likes and comments

– The following conversations take place in comments:

Girl #1: “Beautiful!”

Selfie girl: “THANKS GURL!!”

Girl #2: “OMG! YOU LOOK AMAZING! I’m so jealous!”

Selfie girl: “WHATEVER GIRL! You are gorgeous! I wish I had your booty!”
Girl #2: “You’re so crazy. You’re butt is incredible!”

Selfie girl: “lol You’re too kind!”

Girl #3: “Hello hottie!”

Selfie girl: “I WISH I WAS AS HOT AS YOU!”


Random dude that Selfie girl doesn’t like: “Wow. You look sexy.”

Selfie girl: (no reply and doesn’t like on his comment)

Another dude that Selfie girl does like: “Wow. You look sexy.”

Selfie girl: “Oh well thanks! You look great in your pic too! I’m just headed to the gym. Don’t really have any plans tonight…”

Another random dude: “Damn, titties”

Selfie girl: (no reply, but likes on his comment.)

BFF: “Oh my god you slut. Cover dem boobies up.”


BFF: “Love you girl”

Selfie girl: “LOVE YOU!”

Weird guy from high school that was on the yearbook committee: “Just as beautiful as always. Your eyes tell a story. Your lips are plump and sensual, awaiting my warm, wet kiss. The way your hair falls over your shoulders and onto your swelling breasts reminds me of snow falling softly over rolling hills in the distance. You are a masterpiece. Truly.

Selfie girl: “ummm….thanks? (Unfriended immediately)

Frenemy: (talking to herself: “ugh, what a freaking slut. We know your boobs aren’t that big, and your eyes are freaking brown.”) Then comments: “You are so pretty girl”

Selfie girl: “Oh please! You are so much prettier than I am!” (Then, to herself: “you’re such a fake bitch. Don’t comment on my pictures!”)

Frenemy: “Love you girl.” (Whore)

Selfie girl: “LOVE YOU MORE!” (Whore)

Girl #4: “Aren’t your eyes brown?”

Selfie girl: “Sometimes they light makes them look blue.” (Whore. I can’t believe she said that!”)

Girl #5 (chubby friend): “You’re so gorgeous! My inspiration!”

Selfie girl: “Oh WHATEVER! You’re so smokin’ hot! I’d give anything for booty like yours!” (Smiles and giggles smugly to herself.)

Girl #6: “I love your hair! Is that a new color?”

Selfie girl: “Nope, all natural. Maybe just bleached by the sun.”

Girl #6: (To herself, “whatever. I’ve known you since we were in kindergarten and you DO NOT have any blonde hair.”)

Selfie girl: “You guys are all so sweet! I love you all!”

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