Last night, April and I went on a date. Actually, we just went to dinner with no kids, but as most of you know, that doesn’t happen very often. So we’ll call it a date. April got dressed up and looked hotter than the 4th of July, and I looked minimally handsome. We decided on a restaurant known as one of the “best” in Tyler, that we had somehow never been to. I did feel a tad under-dressed, but April convinced me that I looked ok.
I figured that since it was 7:00 on a Saturday night that I should call ahead. Surely they would be busy, right? Well, I called ahead and she said there was no wait for seating. I thought, “Well, that is odd.” But hey, maybe its just our lucky night. We walk in and its empty. Like two dudes sitting at the bar. That’s it, for real. Interesting.
We were seated not too far from the live musicians. They were pretty good. One guy on a guitar, another on drums. Not bad, I thought to myself. The decor was pretty nice, fairly swanky, but since there was really no one in the restaurant, I felt better about what I was wearing. Even if it wasn’t nice enough, no one was there to see it. When the waiter came to take our drink orders, we both ordered tea. I ordered a beer as well, like I always do, and I only occasionally sip on the tea as I drink the beer(s). Its just kinda my thing. April ordered her tea sweet, and he said “well, we actually only have unsweetened tea that comes in a bottle, but the bartender can sweeten it for you with a simple syrup.” April and I both exchanged odd glances at each other, but said ok.
The waiter came back a few minutes later with these fancy glass bottles of tea, accompanied with glasses of ice. April’s was half filled with a simple syrup of water and sugar. She poured the tea into the glass, stirred it and took a drink. She ALMOST spit it back out, then said “NOPE. Oh my gosh, that’s horrible.” I then took a drink of mine and had very nearly the same reaction. It was awful. What in the hell are they trying to pull? This is east Texas. We drink a shit ton of sweet tea. Whats wrong with Lipton? Luzianne? What kind of evil is this? What would make you try to improve upon iced tea? It’s pretty damn simple. And it’s delicious. “The Champagne of Tea”, it says. False. It’s horrible. It tastes like you made it last Thursday. And then the simple syrup? What the hell is wrong with sugar? Or Splenda? Even Sweet n Low. Don’t try to reinvent the wheel. That’s like trying to repaint the Mona Lisa. It ain’t gonna end well. Just give me a damn iced tea.
So April decided to get something else to drink, then she needed to get some food down before she started drinking anything with liquor in it. I just pushed the gross tea aside and focused on my beer. She ordered a Dr. Pepper. The Dr. Pepper came out, and could NOT have been more flat. There wasn’t a single bubble in it. It was like it was poured from a two liter that had been opened and sitting in the pantry for a few months. So we sent it back, and 15 minutes later, they came out with another glass. And it was equally as flat as the first. By this time, I am pretty put off by everything. The menu is pretty limited, April has yet to get anything other than water that was worth drinking, and they don’t have a drink list, but “We have a full bar, so just tell us what you want.”
I was contemplating not even ordering food, at this point. We should’ve just packed up and gone to Jul’s, but we didn’t. We ordered. We sat and talked and laughed, because that’s what we do, while we waited on our food. The music was also pretty decent, so that was nice. About 30 minutes later, we got our food. April ate ONE BITE of her entree. She didn’t say she didn’t like it, because she didn’t want me to be more aggravated than I already was. But she wasn’t eating it. So I took a bit of hers, and it was all onion. ALL ONION. It smelled like a coast to coast truck driver that hadn’t showered in two weeks. My steak, that was ordered medium rare was completely well done, and my shrimp could barely be bitten through, they were so tough.
This place SUCKED. I kind of want to write to Gordon Ramsay and nominate them for Kitchen Nightmares. And I want to be there when he says “WHAT THE F@#$ IS THIS TEA?!?! HOW DO YOU F@#$ UP ICED TEA?! THIS TASTES LIKE PISS! WHAT IN THE ‘ELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING?! THIS IS BLOODY ‘ORRIBLE!” DID YOU GUYS GET A FREE SHIPMENT OF ONIONS?! WHY DON’T YOU HAVE A FULL F@#$ING MENU?! NO DRINK MENU?! ARE YOU F@#$ING STUPID?! WHY ARE YOU SO F@#$ING STUPID?!?!?!
That’s how bad it was.
So we went to Andy’s Frozen Custard and ate ice cream. And I got to hang out with my best friend without kids jabbering in the background and eat a strawberry shortcake. And I snuck in a couple of ninja boobie squeezes. So, it was still a pretty good date. Even though our breath smelled like fajita farts all night.