In 2011, I had a severe case of sciatica hit me. Hard. I’d never felt anything like it. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t sit. I couldn’t stand. I couldn’t walk. It sucked so bad. The only way I was comfortable was to lay on my stomach and seductively push my ass in the air like a stripper. The chiropractor complimented me by saying it was the most severe and stubborn case of sciatica he had ever worked with. Eventually, we got it worked out, but it was the longest 3 months of my life.
Ever since then, I generally have an episode about once a year. Never as bad as the first one, but genereally enough to put me out of commission for a week or so. Well…yesterday it hit. It had been building up for a few days, and when I woke up yesterday, I was ultimately a taller version of Quasimodo. I was humped up, leaned over, taking weird half steps with my left foot dragging behind me, all while groaning and grunting like a weight lifter.
Since moving to TX, I have not found a chiropractor that I liked, but someone saw me twitching around yesterday and made a recommendation. So I made an appointment and went yesterday at lunch time.
The chiropractors were a husband/wife combo, but the lady chiro was the one that first checked me all out and asked me a lot of questions. And let me tell you something….I am NOT mature enough to answer some of the questions she asked me. When she asked me if I had “pain or difficulty when pushing or straining to defecate,” I snort-laughed. When I realized she wasn’t smiling, I quickly said, “No.” Then she asked me the last time I had “defecated”, I giggled and said, “this morning.” She then said, “And was it ok?” I stifled laughter as best I could and said “It was a pretty good one.” Her husband then stepped into the room. She then asked, “Do you have any pain or irregularity in your testicles?” Again, a giggle. I just couldn’t help it. I said, “No, they’re great,” while making some awkward eye contact. Ever the professional, she then dropped the mother lode…”Do you have any problems with erections?” Without a seconds hesitation I replied, “Only if I can’t get one.” Her husband, standing silently beside her involuntarily burst out into laughter. The missus head snapped around at her husband with a look of scorn, and by the way he stifled his laughter and immediately looked at the floor, I’m going to assume that it’s a look he has seen pretty often.
Without missing a beat, she looked me dead in the eyes and asked “is that a problem that you have to deal with often?” Feeling a bit like a 3rd grader who’d just been slapped on the hand, I said, “uhhh. No.” She said, ” you sure?” I answered quickly, “yes ma’am.”
And then I didn’t say another word for the rest of my the appointment. My back is much improved over yesterday. The husband cracked and popped me just like I needed, and thankfully I didn’t fart like my uncle did the time he went to the chiro. They did an awesome job. I’ll go back tomorrow and Friday and be back to normal….as long as Mrs. Chiropractor will let me back in the door.
By the way, I can totally get a boner if I want to. I swear.