Category Archives: The Pregnancy Diaries

Volume 4: LAY OFF ME, I’M STARVING!

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Ok, so you survived the first month. Way to go, brotha.  Month #2 is going to be lots more of the same.  Only now, it’s going to start getting more complicated.  You think you didn’t understand her before??? Bwahahahaha.   Poor fool.

First, as the name of this volume would indicate, she’s going to be STARVING.  All the time.  At least, April was.  Like a ravenous lioness attacking a wounded baby wildebeest.  Or my 16 year old nephew on a bacon cheeseburger.  She’s like the Incredible Hulk…..you won’t like her if she’s hungry.  Really.  You won’t like her. Continue reading Volume 4: LAY OFF ME, I’M STARVING!

Volume 5: Packing on a few…

baby-beerOk dudes…..you’re in the 3rd month, maybe 4th.  Are you feeling awesome?  Well stop.  You think it’s been bad because her hormones are jacked up?  Well now, her hormones are jacked up….and she’s gaining weight.  DON’T SAY ANYTHING.  If she asks if she looks fat, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, tell her no.  I don’t care if she’s the size of a Volkswagen Beetle, tell her she’s pretty and you can’t even tell she’s pregnant.  Unless you just enjoy getting kicked in the balls.  In which case, go ahead and speak freely.

 

“Babe, look at how round my face is”, “Babe, look at my feet”, “Babe, do I have cellulite on my legs?” “Babe, look at my ankles”, “Babe, oh my GAWD, look at my butt!”, “Oh my gosh, I just feel so fat!”……you are going to hear, not one or two, but ALL of these, about 27 times a day.  But to be honest, you are hardly going to tell any difference at all, and still going to think she looks great, and still want to get her nekkid all the time, even though she’ll roll her eyes and call you a liar. Continue reading Volume 5: Packing on a few…

Volume 6: Welcome to the 2nd Trimester!

Guys, go grab a beer, smoke a cigar, slap mama on the butt, you need to celebrate!  You’ve successfully made it through the first 3 months of her being crazy without running southbound into northbound traffic.  Now you have 3 months where’s she’s only a little bit crazy, before the last 3 months when she’s really crazy again.  Ok, ok…..I know she’s not ACTUALLY crazy…..get your panties out of a wad.  She’s just pregnant and emotionally…..unstable.  Even though you know that, you’re still going to have days when you have thoughts, like, “I’ve got that $5,000 in my savings account.  I bet that I could move into a little hut on a quiet little beach in Mexico and live forever”.  That exchange rate is the bomb. But, of course, you aren’t going to do that.  Are you….

funny-pregnancy-announcements-15 Continue reading Volume 6: Welcome to the 2nd Trimester!