Category Archives: Step-parenting

Daddy’s Guide to Lemonade Stand Success

The following set of instructions will insure that your daughters’ neighborhood lemonade stand will be a successful and profitable business venture:

1) Establish a day, time, and location that will result in the greatest amount of revenue and profit margin in total lemonade and kool-aid sales

2) Buy enough lemonade mix, fresh lemons, kool-aid, solo cups, paper towels and ice to serve approximately 500 very thirsty individuals

3) Build a lemonade stand from an old piece of countertop and a nightstand from the garage, hot glue, clear plastic tubing from an old baby bed, hand drawn “I <3 Lemonade” sign attached with 3lbs of scotch tape and 7 sticks of aforementioned hot glue

4) Pick the absolute HOTTEST day of the year, and the hottest time of that particular day, to make sure that the lemonade serving is the most miserable action possible

5) Get 5 small children to put all of the pitchers of lemonade, ice, cups and the homemade, southern engineered lemonade stand out on the curb

6) Dress daughters in cute shorts and colorful shirts. Have them fix their hair in pig tails and bows, to look as cute as possible to generate highest amount of possible revenue. Practice their “sales smiles”

7) Leave children on curb in ridiculous, humid Texas heat. Discourage drinking of the ice cold lemonade so as not to reduce net margin

8) Go inside house, sit on couch and drink ice cold beers

9) When hot, cranky, sweaty children with frizzy hair come back in the house, complaining of heat and lack of customers, give positive encouragement of business yet to come, and remind them that quitters never win, and that I do not raise kids that quit

10) Argue with child about the consequences of quitting, and how you’ll never accomplish anything in life without perseverance

11) Drink another beer on the couch

12) Laugh when you look out the window at the 5 sweaty children trying to sell lemonade

13) Yell from the front door “Good job kids”!, then close the door quickly so to not let out air conditioning

14) Return to couch

15) Check on children every hour, on the hour, to make sure none of them have passed out or suffered a heat stroke.  Again, a simple yell from the front door will suffice

16) Be sure and collect money often, to discourage any “skimming” from business profits

17) Sell lemonade to 7 individuals. 7 people, all day long.

18) Collect all $7 from the children. Take $5 of total revenue to pay back supply costs. Redistribute $2, in equal parts, to all 5 children. Tell them “not to spend it all in one place”.

19) Giggle

20) Drink beer on the couch

21) Take a nap

22) Let the kids clean up all the crap in the driveway

23) Success

Volume 9: GAME DAY!!! Time to squirt out a baby

Mad mama

Ok, ladies and gents……its GO TIME!!!  Every single crazy, miserable, funny and exhausting moment has lead up to THIS DAY!!!  If you are anything like me, you are probably scared out of your friggin’ mind, right now, even if you are trying to hide it from your baby mama.  Especially if it’s your first time around. Even though delivering a baby is considered pretty “routine”, in the eyes of medicine….it’s a wicked scary thing, especially when it’s YOUR wife and baby that are on the line. Here’s how our last 24 hours of pregnancy played out:

 

I’ve told the first part of this story a few times leading up to this.  I took the girls to school (Emma in pantyhose) and put them on standby: “Mom’s having contractions, and if she goes into labor our friend will get you from school and bring you to the hospital”.  We let our family in Oklahoma know that she had started having some contractions a little bit early but we were still on schedule to be induced at 5:30 the next morning.  The anxious feelings, the impatience and the excitement was literally nearly more than I could bear.  After all this time, she was almost here!!!  Well….April’s water never broke.  I never had to run around in the middle of the night like a crazy person, throwing bags of clothes around and helping her waddle to the car. I didn’t have to run red lights and screech in and out of traffic.  The nearest thing to that “moment” I had, was when she went to the bathroom for a while, came back out and said, “well, I just had my bloody show”. Continue reading Volume 9: GAME DAY!!! Time to squirt out a baby