Category Archives: Humor

Volume 5: Packing on a few…

baby-beerOk dudes…..you’re in the 3rd month, maybe 4th.  Are you feeling awesome?  Well stop.  You think it’s been bad because her hormones are jacked up?  Well now, her hormones are jacked up….and she’s gaining weight.  DON’T SAY ANYTHING.  If she asks if she looks fat, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, tell her no.  I don’t care if she’s the size of a Volkswagen Beetle, tell her she’s pretty and you can’t even tell she’s pregnant.  Unless you just enjoy getting kicked in the balls.  In which case, go ahead and speak freely.

 

“Babe, look at how round my face is”, “Babe, look at my feet”, “Babe, do I have cellulite on my legs?” “Babe, look at my ankles”, “Babe, oh my GAWD, look at my butt!”, “Oh my gosh, I just feel so fat!”……you are going to hear, not one or two, but ALL of these, about 27 times a day.  But to be honest, you are hardly going to tell any difference at all, and still going to think she looks great, and still want to get her nekkid all the time, even though she’ll roll her eyes and call you a liar. Continue reading Volume 5: Packing on a few…

Volume *: T-Minus…OHMYGAWDGETTHISBABYOUTTAME

OMG……you’re down to the last couple of weeks!!!

 

You’ve survived through nearly 9 months of your baby mama’s craziness, moodiness, fatigue, starvation, weird cravings, “pregnant brain” and bawling fits that make absolutely no sense.  To you, anyways.  Or anyone else.  You’ve made midnight runs for crazy food, you’ve rubbed backs, feet, necks and legs.  You’ve said “baby, you do not look fat, you look beautiful”, no less than 1,000 times…..at least I hope you have.  You’ve gone to work with bloodshot eyes because she can’t get comfortable in bed.  You may have pulled some double duty on daddy stuff with the other kids, too, because she’s been tired or hurting or just hasn’t felt like it.   You’ve spent the last 30-something weeks dreaming about this baby.  Holding it, kissing it, squeezing it, staring at it. My bet is, if you’re like me, that you are dreaming about something else now, too……and that’s mama NOT being pregnant anymore. Continue reading Volume *: T-Minus…OHMYGAWDGETTHISBABYOUTTAME

Volume 9: GAME DAY!!! Time to squirt out a baby

Mad mama

Ok, ladies and gents……its GO TIME!!!  Every single crazy, miserable, funny and exhausting moment has lead up to THIS DAY!!!  If you are anything like me, you are probably scared out of your friggin’ mind, right now, even if you are trying to hide it from your baby mama.  Especially if it’s your first time around. Even though delivering a baby is considered pretty “routine”, in the eyes of medicine….it’s a wicked scary thing, especially when it’s YOUR wife and baby that are on the line. Here’s how our last 24 hours of pregnancy played out:

 

I’ve told the first part of this story a few times leading up to this.  I took the girls to school (Emma in pantyhose) and put them on standby: “Mom’s having contractions, and if she goes into labor our friend will get you from school and bring you to the hospital”.  We let our family in Oklahoma know that she had started having some contractions a little bit early but we were still on schedule to be induced at 5:30 the next morning.  The anxious feelings, the impatience and the excitement was literally nearly more than I could bear.  After all this time, she was almost here!!!  Well….April’s water never broke.  I never had to run around in the middle of the night like a crazy person, throwing bags of clothes around and helping her waddle to the car. I didn’t have to run red lights and screech in and out of traffic.  The nearest thing to that “moment” I had, was when she went to the bathroom for a while, came back out and said, “well, I just had my bloody show”. Continue reading Volume 9: GAME DAY!!! Time to squirt out a baby