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50 Shades of BLAH

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I moved to Texas in February of 2012. The girls were in school in Oklahoma and we didn’t want to move them mid school year, so April, Abby and Emma stayed in Oklahoma until May when school let out. So I lived in Texas during the week, then would drive to Oklahoma on the weekends.

In March, we found out April was pregnant the first time (we lost that baby to miscarriage), we still had the tanning salon in Miami, all of the girls were stressed about relocating, I was stressed about relocating them, and I had a new job. It was a very stressful, nervous time for all of us.

It was during this time that April heard about this new book called 50 Shades of Grey. She heard about it on a morning radio show, and when we talked next, she said “I think I’m gonna read it.” I was like “cool….I hope you like it.” I didn’t really know what it was about except that it was centered around sex. In my head I thought it just sounded like a little bit raunchier version of a Harlequin Romance novel that my mom always had laying around the house.

So April began reading them. She would occasionally screenshot a picture of the more explicit parts of the books to me, usually along with a little embarrassed giggle or “omg.” There were admittedly a few times that I “omg’d”, myself. Unfortunately for both of us we were 300 miles apart. However, when we found the opportunity to have a few minutes of “alone” time, I cashed in on the funky lovin’ every chance I got.

April read all 3 books in record time. And I reaped the benefits Friday through Sunday before having to head back to Texas. And I showed up to work on Mondays with a chipped tooth, a black eye and a pretty visible limp.

She did ask me to read the books, although I never did. I am admittedly a book snob, and if it isn’t well written, I tend to focus more on the grammatical mistakes and the overuse of superfluous adverbs (see what I did there?). April admitted that the book wasn’t the most well written piece, and judging by what I’d read from others, it clearly wasn’t going to be up for a Pulitzer anytime soon. But hey, April liked it, along with a hundred million other ladies, and it got me laid fairly regularly, so I wasn’t griping.

Fast forward a few years. Rumors of “Who will play Christian Grey?!” abound. When it was first rumored that it was going to be Charlie Hunnam from Sons of Anarchy, panties hit the floor all over world. April was ecstatic, although there were the occasional dissenters who felt that he didn’t fit the role. I, for one, was excited. Because I liked Jax from SOA, so it gave me a sense of connection to the upcoming movie. It made me a tad bit more interested. But then he dropped out of the movie and was replaced with some dude I’d never heard of. Hearts were broken all over the world as women picked up their panties and moped around for weeks after.

Fast forward again, to last night. Opening night at the theaters. I asked April if she wanted to go snd she answered with a resounding “YES!” And our tickets were bought online within 5 minutes. It’s a date.

We walk into a packed theater. Packed with every race, age and size of woman that you can imagine. There is an excited buzz in the room. Giggling, cackling, whispering. I can only spot a few other guys in the room. We are grossly outnumbered, but we all had the same smug look on our faces. Our faces confidently said “I’m bumpin’ uglies tonight.” Or something similar to that.

Ok…the movie. The movie sucked. The End.

Ok, that’s not my review. However, it’s not far off. But let me explain.

It’s important to go into this movie knowing exactly what it is. It’s just a smutty movie. There are some sexy parts, but not that many. There are a few…kinky, uncomfortable parts, but not that many. There are far more moments of tension and moaning and heavy exhaling and lip biting and “I wanna do THIS to you”, and “I wanna do THAT to you.” To me, it’s an extremely anticlimactic (pardon the pun) movie. There’s a whole bunch of potatoes and not that much meat (pardon the pun again).

Here are my biggest beefs (last one, I swear) with the movie.

1) I have an EXTREMELY hard time taking this kid that plays Christian Grey seriously. I say “kid” because that’s exactly how I see him. He looks freaking 18 years old. When I picture a good looking, powerful billionaire, I picture Tony Stark from Iron Man. Not this skinny kid that looks like a senior in high school. Not at all what I had imagined him to be. Nor did April.

2) Where did his wealth come from? It eludes to the fact that he is a billionaire and the CEO of Grey Enterprises, but doesn’t once explain how the hell he got his money or what he does. Did he inherit it? Is he a genius entrepreneur or a spoiled rich kid? If you haven’t read the book, you won’t know. But the movie doesn’t explain a single solitary thing. There is NO backstory.

3) I realize that Anastasia is supposed to be homely and plain, but WHY IN THE HELL ARE HER BANGS CUT SO CROOKED?!? I cut my own hair once when I was six, and had about the same outcome. At some point into the movie, once that it had been established that she was a bit frumpy, it wouldn’t have hurt to sex her up a little bit. I know that the movie is geared 99% towards women, but damn. She was a cute girl, but I felt like they made their point early in the movie and could’ve spiced it up a tad.

Here’s the bottom line: If you haven’t read the book, you won’t like the movie. Because the movie has no depth. It doesn’t explain anything. ANYTHING. April knew many things that were explained in the books that weren’t touched on at all in the movie. It’s a very shallow plot and it really leaves you hanging. For me, because I hadn’t read the books, I was very underwhelmed.

April, however, went in with very low expectations of the movie being as good to her as the books were, so she wasn’t completely disappointed. She didn’t think it was great, but she didn’t think it was horrible. She understood though that it didn’t give any explanation or backstory, so I was understandably confused and mostly uninterested. If you follow the page very closely, you’ll know that I am the furthest thing from a prude. I wasn’t embarrassed or bothered by what I saw…I just didn’t find it particularly sexy.

Btw, if there are any weirdo billionaires out there reading this, if you’ll give me a car and let me live in your pimp penthouse, I’ll let you hit me with some stuff. Whips, floggers, cane poles. Whatever trips your trigger. Just stay away from my b-hole, por favor. That’s gonna cost Ya more than a car and a bedroom in your penthouse. We can work something out. Holla.

Final word? If you haven’t read it, save your money. Instead, tonight at about 11:00, turn on Skinemax. You’ll have about the same depth of plot and background story. But the girls will probably have a better haircut.

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13 thoughts on “50 Shades of BLAH”

  1. you are hilarious…..didn’t like who was playing the parts, so am not going to see the movie….did read the book, it was great foreplay….

  2. This might be the funniest review ever. I am also from Oklahoma hello okie/Texan now! But all my girlfriends have read all the books ( by the way they all go to church with me) lol shocker!! ((I am baptist so we get drunk on Saturday and go to church on Sunday) after I started reading the 1st book that went on and on emails, contracts etc… I was like really this is too much. You need a real man frumpy girl. This guy could get a hooker a lot cheaper and less drama. And she just needed to get laid and move on.. I finally got to one sex part after 215 pages of my life I will never get back. And I thought after 17 years of marriage to my husband we spice it up like that ever now and then when we have no one in the house and are alone… Even jumped on trampoline naked one time for laughs.. So to the ladies who thought this book and movie was so great… Think outside the box with your husband you don’t need this stupid unrealistic stuff. That’s never going to happen and doesn’t make your marriage better. Just get freaky every now and then and keep it to yourself. Because after thinking of all my girlfriend husbands who’s wife’s have read all these books really kinda makes me not want to look them in the eye… And think yucky thoughts… Keep it real and I am with you rent a porn or skinnamax and move on. Because the explicit romance books mom use to read at least started on page 5.!!!!

  3. Thank you for further cementing my decision to never watch the movie and not waste time reading the books. I read an excerpt and the poor writing made me want to stick a swizzle stick in my eye! After only 1 paragraph… I can’t fathom reading 3 whole damn books of that crap.

  4. Of course, I’ve also never been into romance novels (she met him need for need as lust pulsed in her center) and can only stomach 1-2 Nora Roberts books a year. I’d much rather read about the female lead getting down and dirty with the mysterious and somewhat antisocial male lead, all whilst solving a gruesome murder, any day!!

  5. I have not and will not read or watch this story. Besides my inherent problems with the story, I also have read many reviews alluding to the book reading like it was written by a horny eighth grader, who got a ‘D’ in language arts! I’m too much of a literary snob to waste my precious little reading time on crap!!! Lol

  6. Best review ever…. crooked bangs hahaha…. I have no desire to see it, and I am not even sure if its playing here… although it might be funny to listen to in Korean… But they are so uptight about sex I doubt its playing here ….

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